This story is a cross-over with the characters of Epic Roshambo and A Woman Scorned so you may want to re-read those stories before continuing.
James Monroe was totally oblivious to the background din of chatter and clattering dishes that filled the cavernous dining hall of the Amajor University Student Union Building. Instead, he was thoroughly enthralled in the latest issue of The National Review, every word of which his mind was devouring much faster than the now-soggy untouched arugula salad in front of him.
“I cannot believe you read that drivel,” came a deep voice, the first sound James had registered for nearly his entire lunch break.
James looked up to see his friend Gordon, a relatively short but muscular jock, approaching his table. Gordon was wearing a bright red mortarboard atop his shaggy black hair, which looked entirely out of place with his cutoff jean shorts and Bernie Sanders T-shirt. The relatively short, yet powerfully muscular Gordon took a seat in the chair next to James, straddling it backwards. James inadvertently darted his eyes briefly at the intersection of Gordon’s muscular thighs before setting down his magazine, eyeing Gordon’s headpiece quizzically, then giving his friend a pat on the back.
“Well, we all can’t be bleeding heart liberals.” James said in a stoic tone.
“I know, some of us are heartless neo-cons.” Gordon shot back dryly.
The two looked at each other intensely for several seconds as if about to dive into political debate before Gordon’s face cracked into a broad goofy grin. The two chatted in rapid fire, wit filled banter back and forth - the two friends often finishing each other’s thoughts - for nearly an hour without stopping. James heard the chiming of the library carolin announcing it was time for his next lecture but, in a decidedly uncharacteristic move, decided to ignore it.
It was the last day of the summer term at Amajor University and, as Gordon was flaunting with his mortarboard, graduation was quickly approaching. There would be decades of chasing time clocks and meeting deadlines, James concluded, so he was going to thoroughly enjoy his final weeks of relative calm before shipping off to graduate school in Europe in the fall. Besides, he had not been spending very much time with Gordon as their busy schedules simply didn’t allow it. It also did not help that Gordon went almost a year without speaking to James and had even moved out of the Tau Omega Chi fraternity house after a drunken night of roshambo had gone a bit too far.
For his part, James did resent Gordon a little for being the reason he now only had one testicle, but in fairness James was the reason Gordon’s boyfriend Kamal only had nut too. Overall a fair trade, James had long ago concluded, though he could tell Gordon was still uncomfortable with the whole business.
“Did anyone ever tell you you’re really hot?” Gordon blurted out seriously.
James was taken aback at Gordon’s declaration and he could tell his tan face was turning beet red. At just shy of 6 foot tall with a ridiculously toned swimmer’s build, neatly styled white hair and a devilishly handsome face, James was indeed quite good looking.
“Well, after you’re off to Europe, I’ll probably never see you again so I figure there’s no harm in telling you how much...”
Gordon leaned in and whispered the rest of his comment “I always dreamed about fucking your brains out.”
James could feel himself getting flush, but laughed to the point of crying at his friend’s brutal honesty. Gordon was probably right, it was likely most of the people James had spent his college years getting to know would likely fade into being nothing more than Facebook ‘friends’ or forgotten entirely in due course. Endings, it seemed, were as good a time as any to say the things that would have been better said at the beginning...
“Honestly, Gordon. You are my absolute best friend. If I was gay, I would date you in a heartbeat.”
James put his hand on Gordon’s and the totally straight James gave his friend a look that neatly summed up four year’s worth of emotion in a single instant.
The mood was becoming too serious and taking on a note of finality that was actually making the two sad, and sensing this James quickly changed the topic.
“So, are you coming back to the house to sign the Wall of Conquest?”
Gordon blurted out with a goofy laugh that made a girl sitting at the next table look up in confusion.
“Oh my God, I actually forgot about that. Wow. Yes, yes of course I will come for that.”
“Good...”
James and Gordon went on to discuss the where’s and when’s of the secretive fraternity ritual, assuming their conversation would just dissipate into the din. However, Jennifer the dark haired girl whose interest had been piqued by Gordon’s laughter, listened intently whilst pretending to be consumed in her iPad.
---
“How disgusting!” Heather gasped.
Heather’s face recoiled as Jennifer went on to tell her the gory details she was able to over hear about the Wall of Conquest ceremony planned that weekend at the Tau Omega Chi house. The two friends were sitting in Jennifer’s living room drinking wine and listening to smooth jazz as they -- like James -- chose to ignore a few incomplete homework assignments rather than squander away the last vestiges of youth.
“Well I would hope Tad isn’t involved in that.” said Heather shaking her head.
She could not bring herself to believe that her sweet, loveable goofball of a boyfriend Tad, a Tau Omega Chi brother, could be party to such a demeaning, chauvinist ceremony. The Wall of Conquest ceremony, it seemed, was when graduating members of the fraternity would sign their name behind a portrait in their house’s anteroom and etch in hash marks for the number of women -- or men -- they had slept with while members of the fraternity. To make it even more sophomoric, each would be required to recite the names of their ‘conquests’ and list off deeply personal details about them just for a few cheap laughs. Adding insult to injury, there would be a gentleman’s bet wherein each fraternity brother would try to sleep with the other’s top conquest before leaving the campus for good.
“It’s... it’s like...” Heather was literally rendered speechless.
“It’s like the plot of a bad gross-out movie. The Conquests, starring Seth Rogen, or something. It’s ridiculous.”
“Truly. I mean it is bad enough they tell all of our business to their friends like it’s just a big joke, but to then try to have sex with someone afterwards like we’re just trophies. I mean, seriously.”
“Exactly. Law and Order SVU has nothing on this.”
The two Harvard bound seniors went round and round, utterly disgusted by the antics of Heather boyfriend Tad and the rest of his friends. They simply couldn’t believe that in the twenty-first century, amongst bright, college educated and otherwise decent young men the act of ‘hooking up’ was just a game.
“Well does Tad have to make the ‘I can sleep with your ex’ bet, too? I mean, we’re dating...” Heather asked, her voice trailing.
“Yes, apparently there aren’t any prohibitions. James was saying even straight guys will string along other men, if their frat brothers had banged them. It’s just...”
“Disgusting.”
Heather took a sip of her malbec and sat back in her chair. Suddenly, she nearly slammed down the wine glass and looked at Jennifer excitedly.
“Remember what you did to Xander?” Heather started.
Jennifer nodded affirmatively as she poured herself another glass of wine.
“Yeah, those ‘muggers’ really let him have it,” Jennifer laughed.
“So, how possible is it for you to do a repeat performance for the Tau Omega Chi seniors?”
The room fell silent. Jennifer took a deliberative sip of the malbec and let the flavors tickle her tongue before speaking.
“Well, I’m not sure. I’ve never tried it on such a scale before. And to be honest, it worked on Xander because I was so angry.”
Jennifer frowned.
“To be honest, I’m mortified, but I cannot say I’m angry, or even surprised. They are frat boys, after all.” Jennifer explained.
Jennifer nodded in agreement and sipped her wine.
“Well let’s try it, the worst that will happen is it doesn’t work and I’ll owe you a dinner.”
“Hmm. I don’t know, are you just buying me dinner to get in my pants?” Jennifer chuckled.
Heather burst into laughter as she reached for the corkscrew and a bottle of chianti. This was going to be a long, scheme filled night.
--
Heather tried to coax out any details from Tad about the upcoming ceremony, without letting it slip that she knew exactly what the randy young men were up to. All Tad would say was that a secret departure ceremony was taking place, but beyond that he was unusually tight lipped about the affair. Heather was however able to deduce that only seniors would be present as all other members were forced to vacate for the night to give the departing brothers bonding time and she was able to get a list of graduating seniors from The Memory, the campus yearbook.
Night had just fallen over fraternity row the evening of the ceremony and most of the street seemed abandoned as most graduating seniors had already moved out and most undergrads were on campus studying. Heather and Jennifer parked across the street of the palatial Tau Omega Chi mansion and turned off the car. Jennifer had spent the week leading up the ceremony thinking about how idiotic the frat brothers were, the thought amplifying in a feedback loop until she felt utter bemusement toward the young men. It wasn’t anger, per se, and it wasn’t even a particularly negative emotion but it was a strong emotion nonetheless and she hoped it would be enough to fuel her machinations.
All of the windows that faced the street were dark, but the cars in the driveway indicated something was going on inside.
“Here’s the page,” Heather whispered as if to add to the undercover nature of their adventure.
She handed Jennifer a copy of The Memory opened to the portraits of ten young men under the heading “Graduating Tau Omega Chi Brothers”.
Jennifer looked over each portrait, tracing her finger over each picture delicately over their outlines. To a casual observer she was simply running her finger across the page, but Heather knew Jennifer was doing much more than that.
“Obscuritas,” Jennifer nearly whispered.
As if on cue the LED street lamp the car was parked under gradually dimmed, then went entirely dark. Up and down the street the state-of-the-art lamps faded and went dead. Heather pulled out her iPhone and activated the flashlight to illuminate the now darkened yearbook page.
Heather watched as Jennifer’s petite finger traced James Monroe’s photo, then Tad and Gordon’s. Next was Cedric, Wesley, Kyle, Tyler, Abner, Eric and Greg, the portraits of all of the handsome young men smiling out from the pages of The Memory oblivious to what was about to befall them.
“The bag, please,” Jennifer motioned.
Heather handed her mystical friend a paper bag full of twenty identical ping pong balls they had purchased only that night from a dollar store and dumped randomly into the bag. Jennifer proceeded to reach into the bag, being sure to fondle each of the ping pong balls slowly as she recited a strange mix of Latin and French.
Suddenly the flashlight app on Heather’s phone shut off and, to Heather’s surprise, the Apple logo now appeared on the screen as if the phone had just abruptly restarted itself. Jennifer continued and a car alarm sounded somewhere down the street. In the rear view mirror Heather watched the lights of the honor fraternity house down the block blackout completely before flickering back on.
“Wow,” Heather said incredulously.
Jennifer laughed.
“Don’t wow yet. What we did to Xander was a parlor trick compared to what I just attempted to do. Let’s see if it worked.”
Jennifer reached into the bag, grabbed out two ping pong balls and held them aloft...
--
“Gentlemen, gentlemen.”
James called the group of men assembled in the Tau Omega House’s anteroom to order. All of them were smartly dressed in khakis, white polos and matching blue blazers with the fraternity crest on the breast. The room was small by the standards of the rest of the house, though its oak paneled walls, roaring fire and overstuffed leather chairs made the seldom-used room seem much more regal than the rest of the house. On the wall behind James was a painting of an important historical figure in the fraternity, though none of the young men could remember his name.
Yellow firelight lit the scene as James proceeded to explain the rules of the ceremony to the nine men standing before him. Tad, a tall, lanky yet ruggedly handsome blonde frat brother, and Gordon proceeded to remove the portrait and set it aside, the ignored fraternity founder in the portrait staring on with indifference at the young men a century removed from his own time. On the wall behind the portrait were dozens of names and numbers dating back to the early 2000’s.
“So, who wants to go first? Eric?”
Eric, a lanky red-headed brother stepped forward and took the marker from James’ hand. He proceeded to add his name to the list along with ten hashmarks. His brothers erupted in thunderous applause as Eric stepped back from the mural.
“Tell us, Eric. Regale us with the stories of your conquests!”
Eric went on to give graphic, and often embarrassing, personal details about each of the women represented by the hash marks.
“Nice bro! I call favorites on Marissa, she sounds hot!” came beefy senior Cedric.
Calling favorites, was code for ‘I’m going to bed her before we leave campus”. Eric acknowledged the challenge with a high five.
Next up was Greg, a barrel-chested, ruggedly handsome Korean who proceeded to write his name and his number of conquests behind the portrait before proceeding to go out of his way to paint every woman on his list as vapid, cock-crazed whores.
“Sweet! I call favorites on... “ Cedric was cut off mid sentence by a sharp pain in his right nut.
Cedric nearly doubled over, clutching his crotch and gasping. At first the watching brothers presumed he was being silly, but quickly realized that was not the case.
“My fucking nuts!” Cedric gasped, now on his knees, his big hands planted firmly over the bulge in his slacks.
“What the fuck!”
Abner, a svelte Cuban fraternity brother grabbed for his nuts in a similar fashion as his left nut felt like it was in a vice.
James, Tad and the other brothers looked on in confusion as Abner and Cedric moaned and clutched their crotches for ostensibly no reason...
Meanwhile, Jennifer proceeded to continue squeezing the two plastic balls in her hands before tossing them back into the bag.
“Did it work?” asked Heather anxiously.
“I’m not sure. Did you install that app on Tad’s phone?”
Heather nodded and opened an app on her phone and turned on the the speaker. Unbeknownst to Tad, Heather had installed a listening app on his phone that allowed her to remotely access the microphone without Tad’s phone so much as turning on its screen. In an instant, Heather and Jennifer could hear all of the sound being recorded by Tad’s phone which, like normal, was in his front pants pocket. What the two girls heard was music to their ears.
“Are you okay, man?”
“What the fuck?”
Cedric and Abner would still be heard moaning slightly, though they were starting to rise to their feet.
“I don’t know what happened! Suddenly it felt like my nut was gonna’ blow!” Abner explained panting.
“Really? I kind of know what that feels like,” came James.
The young men all laughed nervously at the bizarre turn of events and James handed Wesley, a handsome black senior, the marker. Wesley had barely written his name on the wall when he was interrupted by Gordon, Abner and Greg squealing and falling to their knees.
Jennifer laughed as she listened to the young men’s agonizing screams through the phone. She and Heather were squeezing a combined four ping pong balls in their hands as hard as they could, feeling the cheap plastic toys deforming in their hands.
“Holy fuck!” Greg screamed as he fell on his back kicking and screaming.
Abner and Gordon were jumping around the room screaming and their hands were clutched tightly to their crotches.
“My nuts!” Gordon screamed as he proceeded to pull down his khakis and underwear as if trying to rid himself of some invisible rodent crawling in his pants.
“What the fuck is going on...” James barely got out before Tyler let out an ear piercing scream.
Tyler, a muscular Italian student shrieked as if his life was ending and he collapsed to his knees holding his crotch.
Jennifer had taken out one of the plastic balls and had proceeded to place it on the floor mat of the car and stomp it... hard. The devastation to Tyler’s enchanted nut was unlike anything he had ever felt in his life.
Tyler ripped off his khakis, fully expecting to see a bloody stain in his boxers so intense was the pain.
“Nice one!” Heather applauded, reaching into the bag, grabbing two random balls and placing them under her foot.
“Holy shit! Holy shit!”
Tad’s tall, lanky frame dove into a couch as he felt both of his meaty testicles being flattened by some mystery force. Meanwhile Kyle, a devastatingly handsome blonde, was delirious from feeling his big right nut being instantly compressed so flat it felt like it had ruptured.
The two girls laughed as they continued to squeeze and stomp random ping pong balls from the bag, eliciting hideous shrieks from the dumbstruck and terrified young men in the anteroom. Soon all ten of the young men were on the ground holding their nuts and screaming. All of them had discarded their pants and underwear, desperately trying to find the source of the invisible pain.
Greg let out a horrendous screech and his hands flew off of his testicles giving the others a clear view of what was happening. His modest, tight scrotum was visibly being compressed to a quarter of its normal girth by some invisible force. Greg’s jaw opened so wide it stung as his balls got flatter and flatter and flatter. Kyle, who was nursing his own balls, was weirdly entranced by watching Greg’s balls being flattened and Abner was convinced the studly Korean’s balls were about to explode like grapes.
“Oh my God!”
Cedric’s left nut, which was naturally beefy, had taken on a sad purplish colour and was swelling rapidly as a finger-sized indent appeared in the middle of it, pressing inward.
Jennifer who was holding the ping pong magically entangled to Cedric’s nut, was digging her finger into it and could feel the toy ball starting to deform and judging by the screams coming from the phone that did not bode well for poor Cedric.
Cedric was on his back crying, looking over his chest as his balls as his left nut dimpled around some invisible finger. The pressure in his gonad was so intense he thought there was no way his manhood was going to survive.
Meanwhile Heather had taken to shaking the paper bag holding several ping pong balls violently, causing them to knock against each other.
“Oooh!”
“Aaaah!”
Gordon felt as if someone had landed an uppercut into his balls. Tad was near hysterics as it felt like his balls were being used as a punching bag. Cedric's eyes grew huge in panic as he watched the indentation on his nut getting impossibly flat.
Tyler wailed in a hideous castrato as he looked down at his crotch in time to see his enormously swollen right nut caving in like crumpled paper. He made a horrified face as he locked eyes with Abner before his eyes crossed and he fell on his back passed out.
“Holy fuck! His ball!” Abner screeched as he clutched his own screaming nuts.
Jennifer callously tossed the ball linked to Cedric’s nut onto the floor just moments before Cedric’s nut would have exploded.
“What is going on!”
“Call 911!”
Jennifer motioned for the bag from Heather, and for a moment all of the men had a temporary reprieve. Jennifer grabbed four of the balls and proceeded to cram them into her mouth. Her mouth bulged almost comically as she turned toward Heather with a wicked smile before biting down as hard as she could. She could feel all four of the balls compress instantly, her molars breaking through two of them and judging by the frantic screaming coming from the phone her bite had the desired results.
“HOLY FUCK!”
Gordon and Cedric simultaneously puked as they both felt one of their balls instantly compress to an eighth of an inch in their furry sacks. Unfortunately, that was entirely too flat for either of the large gonads and both of them splattered the inside of the frat boys' scrotums like water balloons.
Abner squealed as, in an improbably unlucky coincidence, the other two balls in Jennifer’s mouth were entangled with his own Cuban eggs. His eyes crossed and he clutched his scrotum desperately as he felt his huevos being flattened and dug into as if an invisible pair of teeth were chewing on them. To add to the horror, he could actually see the impression of molars digging into his swelling sack.
Heather had proceeded to gather up the balls Jennifer wasn’t chewing on, stuffed them into the paper bag and proceeded to shake it with vigor. Inside the sack, the ping pong balls rammed into each other violently, several of them denting from the repeated impact.
“Oooh!”
Eric watched in horror has dents from ethereal impacts appeared all over his precious ball sack. Tyler screamed as he felt his last nut being pummeled like a punching bag. Kyle moaned as both of his baby makers felt like someone was taking a sledgehammer to them. He was on his stomach clutching his sack and crying as he felt his bloated testicles being mercilessly pounded like a line of guys was taking turn using his balls as a gym sparring bag.
“My balls!” the adorable redheaded Eric screamed as his big beefy right nut ruptured, followed almost immediately by the left.
Eric’s lanky frame convulsed violently as the pain, shock, confusion and horror of his unmanning wracked his body. It felt like his balls, or what was left of them, were being pounded with a mallet.
Heather stopped shaking the bag and the ping pong balls settled at the bottom. Meanwhile, Jennifer spat out the thoroughly mangled ping pong balls from her mouth where they landed at her feet with a splat.
Abner’s right nut had fractured into meaty chunks from the mysterious, grinding and crushing and Abner, Cedric and Gordon each clung to their last whole nut begging for the pain to stop to no one in particular.
STOMP!
Jennifer felt her panties get wet as her shoe slammed into the four chewed plastic balls at her feet.
“Dios mios!” Abner screamed before blacking out.
Just as one of the toy balls had cracked under Heather’s foots, Abner’s battered left nut cracked into multiple chunks inside his bronze ball sack.
CRACK!
Heather’s foot slammed down again, causing another of the ping pong balls to shatter, this time with devastating effect for Gordon.
The short, muscular jock’s eyes crossed, his mouth opened in an ‘O’ and his head swooned as the sickening wet, crunch of his last ball being blown apart ricocheted through this head. Despite the unbearable pain, the horrified jock could only moan in confusion as he slowly slumped to his knees before falling over cold.
Jennifer and Heather stopped their assault on the ping pong balls and sat laughing wickedly at the sound of the screaming, crying and retching young men. The crashing of lamps and furniture being overturned by the flaying frat brothers mixed with their now-girlish shrieks made the soundtrack almost comical.
Heather and Jennifer were crying from laughter so at first missed the sound of a car coming to a screeching halt in front of the Tau Omega House. Jennifer was the first to notice and quickly took on a serious face as she noticed the police Interceptor parked outside. Down the lane more flashing red and blue lights could be seen approaching with speed.
Heather had composed herself and was wiping her running mascara from her face as the second Interceptor came to a dramatic stop in front of the house. By now Tad, clutching his naked balls, had thrown open the door and was motioning for the confused police officers to come insides, desperate for any help in stopping the mysterious assault on his nuts.
“Someone must’ve called the police on the dying cats,” Heather laughed mocking the young men’s screeching.
The police officers slowly came forward as the wail of an ambulance was heard in the distance. Heather was watching as a small crowd began to form nearby as curious onlookers, many hoisting video phones, watched as one by one the panicked young men spilled out onto the lawn naked and holding their busted sacks. She turned to Jennifer and saw her eyes were closed as if in deep concentration, mumbling something in the strange tongue from earlier.
“Stop!”
Jennifer looked up confused as Heather reached into the sack of ping pong balls and randomly grabbed one.
“I have one more trick up my sleeve,”
Heather casually got out of the vehicle and gently placed the sole plastic ball under the front tire of the car and upon returning to her seat, nodded at Jennifer to give her the all clear to continue removing the enchantment.
The street lamps slowly flickered back to life and the Tau Omega Chi house’s dramatic landscape lighting dimmed slightly before returning to normal. To be sure of the result, Jennifer shook the bag of balls violently but noticed no particular reaction by the throng of men on the lawn who, though still clutching their privates, had started to recover a bit. Gordon, Tyler, Abner and Eric, though, were still passed out in the anteroom with mortally wounded equipment. Cedric, though suffering from a ruptured testicle, was running on pure adrenaline as he frantically pleaded for an EMT to examine his privates, which he was holding up in full view of the paparazzi-like throng of camera phones that had now formed.
“We’d better get out of here,” Jennifer advised shifting the vehicle into gear and pulling away.
“So tell me again what happened?” a thoroughly confused policeman asked James .
The officer, who was only a few years older than the suffering boys he was dealing with, filled out his uniform nicely. He couldn’t help but be fixated by the site of James' sole, enormously swollen yet otherwise whole nut swinging between his legs. It was big, round, and purple and looked like it had been the target of several penalty kicks, but James was babbling that all of the damage came from - in his words - nowhere.
The officer had just placed his hands on James’ shoulders in an effort to calm down the deliriously scared frat boy, when James’ big swollen nut suddenly took on a very different appearance.
“Oh my Go---”
The officer turned away from James just in time to spare showering the lad with his supper. In an instant the firm, whole ball had visibly disintegrated into a lumpy mass that oozed to the bottom of his sack. James screamed and reached his hands toward his already-liquefied nut, screaming as his fingers kneaded the oatmeal-like mush in his sack.
None of the baffled bystanders could have imagined that the seemingly unrelated car pulling away -- and running over a randomly discarded beer pong ball that just happened to be under the tire -- was the cause for the very public castration of super stud James Monroe.
“That was hilarious!” Jennifer shouted as the car turned off of fraternity row.
“Extremely!”
Heather casually tossed the paper bag full of ping pong balls out of the window and they were all promptly destroyed under the tires of a passing truck. Unbeknownst to the Tau Omega Chi seniors, it was a very good thing the spell had already been lifted.
“So, would you mind stopping at Starbucks? I feel like an Americano.” Heather asked with a casualness that conveyed utter disregard for the multiple family trees she and Jennifer had just pruned.
“Sure thing,” Jennifer replied back coolly.
