Naughty Santa

 

Merry Christmas :) I hope you enjoy this short story about a malevolent entity who uses the spirit of the holidays to disguise himself as Naughty Santa, a magical daddy (or at least that's his human form...) with a love of teaching young men on the naughty list a lesson they'll never forget.  Illustrations by Whistle :) 

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‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, three burglars were fleeing because Naughty Santa was aroused. 

Stockings that had been hung by the chimney with care, were now torn to the ground as if nobody cared. Upstairs, the family was nestled, all snug in their beds, unaware that downstairs their presents were being pilfered instead.

“What was that!” one of the burglars screamed out in a panic, no longer concerned about being detected. 

Naughty Santa, a magical brute of a man, had appeared out of nowhere with lumps of coal in his hands. Before the three thieves could react or reply, the vengeful Naughty Santa and pegged all three in their eyes. They stumbled and panicked and dropped their stolen loot, and each one had a run in with Naughty Santa’s boot. It crashed into their tightly packed pouches with deadly precision, one by one, blurring their vision.

“Who is that!” one screamed, totally panicked. It was clear that Naughty Santa was not kidding around. 

The three thieves raced toward the window they had used to break-in in the first place, desperate to escape, but the bumbling idiots only managed to get themselves stuck, wedged on top of each other with their muscular asses and legs stuck inside the house and their heads buried in a bush outside.

Naughty Santa snapped his fingers and to the burglars’ surprise, their quivering nuts nearly tripled in size.

The three were screaming and writhing and making such a clatter that Naughty Santa knew any moment the family would come racing down to see what was the matter. 

Away to the Christmas tree he ran in a flash, tore open some presents and smiled at the cache. 

The first was a race car with eight tiny wheels, it was shiny and metal and lively and quick. Naughty Santa snapped his fingers and to one of the burglar’s surprise, piano wire suddenly ensnared his bulging nuts, crisscrossing their clear outline in his leggings. Very real engine noises started coming from the now-enchanted race car and the burglar screamed as Naughty Santa took the controls and started driving the car across the room. 

Unfortunately for the burglar, the wire was attached to the back of the car and the powerful, demonic toy made quick work tugging on the wire, which sliced and diced the guy's massive sack into chunky ribbons. 

Naughty Santa wasted no time, he dropped the remote and reached for his next present, an immersion blender which - with a snap of his fingers - suddenly turned into a beast of a machine with ultra sharp blades and motor that would have pulverized concrete.

“Is that a blender...?” the second thief screamed. He recognized the sound from earlier when he had used a stick blender to make a protein shake...

Bzzz.. splotch!

The stick blender tore through the jock’s bulge like a hot knife through Christmas cookie dough, instantly turning it into a spray of gore that painted all three of the stuck burglars' legs.

“Whose there?” a frightened voice came from the top of the stairs. 

Naughty Santa had to act fast. He grabbed the last thief by his thighs as he opened his powerful jaws unnaturally wide. His pearly white teeth became fang-like as he bit straight down on the last dude's bulging sack, effortlessly slicing through his leggings. Naughty Santa chomped down over and over while pulling the magically enlarged organs away from the burglar’s crotch...

“No! Please! Not my...”

SPLORTCH

Naughty Santa cackled as the thief's sack exploded into a gooey mixture in his mouth moments before...

RIIIIP

His ruined sack tore from his body. Naughty Santa spat out them out and they landed at his feet with a splat. 

Naughty Santa surveyed the room. The thieves had made a mess with ransacked presents and destroyed decorations, but the biggest mess was between their toned legs. They wouldn’t be having a Merry Christmas, Naughty Santa thought. 

Suddenly Naughty Santa heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He surveyed his handiwork before snapping this fingers. All of the stolen presents magically were back under the tree, the stockings rehung themselves. The oozing testicle matter that painted the floor under the pile of passed out burglars disappeared. 

It was as if nothing had happened. Finally Naughty Santa lifted his boot and violently kicked the three idiot burglars out of the window. He snapped his fingers and the window instantly - yet silently - slammed shut. With another snap of his fingers Naughty Santa disappeared.

The confused family looked around their pristine living room. Despite all the commotion they had heard, everything looked fine.

Meanwhile, the three nutted burglars stumbled through the darkened street leaving a trail of broken nut guts in the snow. 

A passing red sports car slammed on the breaks, the driver clearly alarmed at the three injured random men out on the street in the middle of the night.

“Help us!” one of the burglars shouted as he fell to this knees.

“HOLY FUCK!” 

The other two tried to run away when they realized the driver was Naughty Santa. With a snap of his fingers the three were sitting shoulder to shoulder in the sports car’s small back seat, tightly buckled in. To their shock, their once bleeding crotches looked totally fine, bulging and healthy though their nuts were still magically enlarged. 

Naughty Santa looked back at his captives and eyed their holiday packages evilly.

“Don’t look so glum, boys. You wanted big packages for Christmas and now I’m going to have fun with them over and over and over...”

The three screamed as the car vanished from the street, leaving behind nothing but tire tracks and its license plate: SLEIGH 

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Merry Christmas everyone, see you in 2023. Enjoy this red and green (very festive) brutal nut kick.