Over The Hedge

  

Illustration by Whistle

Justin and Ronny were two typical, randy bored twenty year-olds spending their afternoon tending Old Lady White’s beautiful statuary gardens. Even though her gardens were bursting with flowers, tending those was for her well-trained gardeners; Justin and Ronny were just the muscle. They had so far dug a new French drain, repaired the cracked foundation of a fountain and were currently preparing to power wash the life-sized statues of Greek deities that lined the long hedge that separated the Pollack estate from her neighbor, Old Man Greene...

---

“Damn you, chipmunks!” Mr. Greene shook his fist in the air furiously as he inspected the damage to his garden along the hedge. The ground was littered with holes and half-eaten flower bulbs lay strewn about. As if on cue one of the fat, cute rodents peeked its head out of the ground, narrowly missing his stomping boot.

“Curses!” Grumpy Mr. Greene stomped like a child as he continued to inspect the damage. The sound of tiny chattering teeth made him turn and see another chipmunk making off with a whole bulb in its mouth. Mr Greene was mad...

---

As Ronny pressure washed a statue, Justin was soaking the next one in line with a cleaner and his shirt was getting soaked in the process. Ronny licked his lips as he hosed down a statue of Athena, though he much rather wanted to hose down Justin. A statue of Hermes was next in line but by now Ronn was sure Justin was teasing him. His hot friend was soaked, the wet clinging fabric leaving little to the imagination. Justin was five foot nine with a perfect swimmer’s build and a bulge that would have put the well-endowed statues to shame.

“You missed a spot,” Justin said with a wink, pointing to a tiny speck of dirt still on the statue’s life-sized cock. 

“Maybe I should use my tongue,” Ronny smirked...

--

“Come back here!” Mr. Greene was livid as he saw the chicken wire around his vegetable garden was decimated, an offending rabbit was still casually munching on a carrot despite his shouting. The old man slammed a shovel down and it ran off, just in time for Mr. Greene to spot a mole going back underground, its tunnels collapsing his prized hyacinths. 

“Curse you all!”

The chipmunk from earlier seemed to laugh at Mr. Greene’s exasperation before disappearing into the hedge. 

“I’ll get you!” the old man lunged into the hedge in a rage but only caught a fistful of shrubbery. A hedgehog strolled by as if taunting the old man that the animals had turned his manicured patch of earth into their playground. Mr. Greene was enraged...

--

“Man, it’s so hot,” Justin peeled off his shirt and stretched, clearly posing, in front of a soaped-up statue of Adonis. 

Ronny’s cock throbbed as he hosed down the statue, letting the water linger over the statue’s abs, moving it down slowly until the statue’s hefty stone genitals were being power washed. Justin licked his lips and winked at Ronny as he spotted Ronny's raging boner in his soaked jeans. 

Without thinking, Justin took a step closer and shuddered as he heard a loud crack. Justin laughed to the point of crying as the powerful spray of water caused a crack to appear in Adonis’ gleaming white, enormous left testicle. 

Ronny blushed. He had been so distracted by Justin that he had accidentally let the stream of water etch the surface of the statue.

“Be more careful,” Justin teased.

“Well stop distracting me, tease!”

Justin feigned innocence with a shrug as his hand slipped into his jeans. Ronny set down the nozzle and walked up to Justin. The two were face to face, Justin standing with his legs spread wide, shirtless and throbbing and Ronny’s heart pounding in his chest. The two had been flirting all summer but this time felt different. Justin gently placed a hand on Ronny’s shoulder and a slight pressure was enough signal for Ronny to slowly lower to his knees...

--

“Curses! Curses!”  

Mr. Greene was livid. Furious. He was so angry at the destruction in his garden that he was now standing and cursing at the hedge, a laughing chipmunk popping out only to duck back as Mr. Greene lunged. 

STOMP

A rabbit barely escaped being stomped to death by the enraged gardener. He was swinging his shovel and stomping wildly. He had had enough! The chipmunk poked its  head out of the hedge and made eye contact with Mr. Greene, mocking him, or so the deranged old man thought. Mr. Greene ran to his shed and fetched his electric hedge clippers, revving the engine.

“I’ll show you!” Mr. Greene scowled. 

Mr. Greene was furious...

---

Justin stepped out of his jeans, totally naked, his back pressed against the dense hedge and his legs spread as wide as he could. Ronny was drooling at the sight; they were literally feet from a statue of Adonis and Justin still had the best body in the garden. Most impressive were the absolutely huge, oblong balls just inches from his face. The low hanging things were like fleshy pendulums. They were the largest balls Ronny had ever seen and were disproportionately huge even compared to his eleven inch slightly curved cock. 

Ronny’s mouth was watering but he suddenly remembered he was at work and at a client’s house! Justin picked up on Ronny’s trepidation and nodded, the house was at least a football field away and mostly hidden by trees and the hedge might as well have been a green wall. It was so thick not even daylight was breaking through.

Best summer job ever, Ronny thought as he took Justin’s perfect mushroom head into his mouth Justin had to bite his fist to avoid moaning. He had just heard Mr. Greene’s hedge clippers firing up, a helpful reminder that the hedge might offer privacy but wasn’t sound proof. He didn’t want his lustful moans attracting attention...

--

“Damn you!” Mr. Green came within inches of decapitating the chipmunk, which was jumping through the hedge like a gymnast, disappearing from view before popping back up randomly. It was like Whack-A-Mole with a hedge clipper.

In a fit, Mr. Greene plunged the hedge clippers into the hedge. Leafs were flying and the chipmunk seemed shocked at the change of tactic; instead of just waiting for the chipmunk to come out, Mr. Greene was now attacking his prized hedge! 

“I got you now!” daylight was starting to breakthrough the once dense hedge in random patches as Mr. Greene recklessly stabbed into the hedge like he was thrusting a sword.

---

“Oh fuck yeah, Ronny,” Justin couldn’t help but moan. If he had known how good at sucking cock Ronny was he would have seduced him weeks ago. 

Ronny was eagerly sucking and slurping the biggest cock he’d ever serviced. He was halfway down, his throat bulging - but still had nearly six inches to go! Justin placed his hands on the back of Ronny’s head, gently nudging him forward but Ronny didn’t know if he could take another inch. 

His eyes were fixated on Justin’s massive swinging sperm pods. They were so hot, glistening with sweat, monstrously huge and begging for Ronny to keep going until his chin was slapping them. He was actually humming in pleasure as he examined Justin’s nuts. They were perfect testicles, massive, heavy, flawless skin and whirring metal teeth... Wait, what?

“Wuut mph!” Ronny tried to shout but his mouth was so full of cock only muffled noises came out. Not like the warning would have come fast enough...

--- 

Mr. Greene plunged the hedge clippers into the hedge and his eyes lit up. He felt the blades of the hedge clippers catch onto something big and meaty and an instant later a chunky, bloody spray erupted from the hedge. 

“Got you, you little bastard!”

He inched the hedge clippers slightly to the left, then to the right. He had finally caught the chipmunk and by the feel of the blade, some of his little friends, too. Mr. Greene imagined them all huddled together in terror as the blade wiped them out. He could feel in gross detail their meaty little bodies being torn to shreds. After only a few seconds, the blade was meeting no more resistance and he pulled the bloody thing out of the hedge.  Mr. Greene was pleased, but then immediately annoyed by the sound of shouting and horseplay coming from the other side of the hedge.

The college kids Old Lady White had hired that summer were always up to horse play and goofing off.

“Damn lazy kids,” he said, rolling his eyes.

----

“FUUUUUUCK!” Justin let out an anguished scream as he felt something sharp pierce his nutsack followed immediately by the violent vibration of dozens of metal teeth. 

Ronny looked on in horror as if in slow motion as the hedge clippers sliced through Justin’s big nuts, the meaty orbs being chewed and shredded by the blades. He was showered with chunks that were also painting Justin’s abs and thighs. As if the first pass wasn’t enough, whoever was on the other end was moving the blade in a small circular motion, being sure to annihilate anything still dangling from the first assault. 

And just as quickly as it began, the hedge clippers disappeared behind the hedge.

Justin was too stunned to move. He looked down at Ronny who looked like he had fallen into a vat of hamburger, tendrils of his best assets were hanging from Ronny’s chin like stalactites. Ronny pulled off his shirt and pressed it into Justin’s gaping crotch. His balls were completely gone, turned into an explosion of shredded chunks. His rapidly deflating cock was spared, though was covered in testicle spray.

Ronny threw Justin into the wheelbarrow and hastily raced his desexed friend toward the house.